If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
