some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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