I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
