Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
