WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
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Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
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Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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