I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
