It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
