this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
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Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
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Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize