the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
