My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
