just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
