I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
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I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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