Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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