They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
