dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
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Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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