so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
