I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
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