i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
