You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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