peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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