I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
