At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
