My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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