i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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