Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
