She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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