What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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