Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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