The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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