Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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