She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
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If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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