Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
