My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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