No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
