I wish I only lived at night.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
