I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
