smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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