Jerry, you need to find god
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
