Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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