Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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