bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
