Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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