The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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