I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
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I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
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I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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