she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
