so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
