I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
