Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
