I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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