i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
