I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
