I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
