Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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